Today was good, and then today was bad. It was a mentally draining and exhausting day. I don’t have too many of those, so I often don’t know how to handle it when I do.
Please don’t feel bad for me; I didn’t write this to get people’s sympathy or to try and get people to tell me I am doing a great job. I wrote it because writing helps me process what I’m feeling, and also because someone might read it and feel less alone.
Day 45 (April 28)
I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ve been trying to figure out some stuff about daycare and work moving forward and I keep going back and forth on what I should do. Unfortunately, that meant I couldn’t settle last night and the sleep I did get was not very restful.
Still, I got up at 5 and went for a run. That is often the best part of my day even though I find it really hard to get going, and that was true today. After my run I showered, got dressed, and even dried and straightened my hair. That might be the third time this year or something.
I had a decent morning, though the kids mostly watched TV. I ate lunch and started the afternoon. I don’t know if it was lack of sleep last night or general stress about the situation we’re currently living through, but I just couldn’t focus and I had a hard time caring about things that just didn’t seem that important.
I was harder on Rose than I should have been. She is just SO MUCH and I didn’t have the energy for it. At one point she told me “I don’t like your attitude right now” and told me she wouldn’t give me any flowers (dandelions) unless I started being nicer. Of course, that made me cry because then I felt like a crummy mother.
I felt like a walk would help, so we went out for our usual 4 p.m. walk. For the first half-mile or so, I was either crying quietly or trying not to cry while the kids sat in the stroller quietly, eating their snacks. I’m not a frequent crier, but when it rains it pours, I guess. I started to feel better after a while and ended up mostly enjoying the walk. It was a beautiful day today and I’m glad we got out to enjoy it.
I don’t often write about stuff like this, mostly because I try to stay optimistic and focus on the positives of every situation. I know a lot of people have it worse than me right now, and are struggling a lot harder than I am. I am grateful for everything I have… but also sad that so much has changed and that we don’t really know how long this will go on.
Hopefully I will get a good night’s sleep tonight and feel better, mentally, tomorrow. I usually find that a bad day is followed by a good one so I hope that is the case.